College Years
Most kids
realize at some point that they must decide if they should go to
college, which college to go to, and what to major in. For me, I had
always planned to go to college. Art was a fairly simple decision as far
as a major was concerned, since I liked it and was good in it. I visited
a few different universities with my parents, and finally decided on
Northern Illinois University in Dekalb, Illinois, a small corn producing
town about two hour’s drive west of Chicago. I was eighteen when I entered
college in the fall of 1972.
Somehow I managed to pay
for the four years of college by working summers and during the school
year, and by receiving small scholarships I got for scholastic
achievement and financial need. I remember how I could never afford much
of anything while there. Once in a great while I would go out for
something to eat with a friend or two. I didn’t have a car during my
college years, so if I went home for a visit on a weekend I would
hitchhike, though for me it was an awkward and uncomfortable thing.
My First Year at
Northern – 1972 to 1973
I was thrilled to get to
college. Living on campus in the dormitories was a new and very freeing
thing for me. I was generally mature enough to handle it. But living in
an all-guys dorm was a real eye opener, because many of the guys were
out of control being away from home and their parents’ authority for the
first time. I couldn’t imagine jeopardizing my education since the cost
was so much for me. But many of the kids had their college paid for by
their parents, and they seemed to take it for granted and didn’t really
care. Weekends were horrible at times, because guys would rip out
drinking fountains, leave the hallways a mess, and Saturday mornings and
Sunday mornings there would often be vomit in the halls and bathrooms
because of the drinking problems the guys had. Disgusting! But I, too,
loved the freedom at college, out from under the constant authority of
my dad.
From where I sit now I
can see that I had three main goals motivating me during my college
years, though at that time I didn’t recognize them. One was to find a
girl friend. Another was to pursue art. The third was to find out the
meaning of life.
The
college atmosphere was exciting for me: the activities, the classes, the
student center,
the eye-opening
pursuit of philosophy, and
the girls. It was a two-edged sword for me, because I began
seriously looking for a girl friend but was often depressed, sometimes severely so,
because the girls that I was interested in weren’t interested in me and
the ones who were interested in me I wasn’t interested in. Isn’t that
the way things go in life! I went to some fraternity parties the first
few weeks at Northern. But I was very disappointed in them because the
people were so shallow. There were plenty of nice looking girls, but I
quickly realized that if I wanted to find a girl to marry, I would never
find her at those kinds of parties. The sometimes exciting, sometimes
agonizing pursuit of finding a girlfriend and wife would continue on
past my college days. But I had at least set my heart to find a lady of
substance and depth.
The first job I got was
at a Standard Oil gas station pumping gas. In those days you never
pumped your own gas – somebody working at the gas station did it. And we
checked the oil and washed the windows at no extra charge. I worked
outside through part of the cold winter in Dekalb, where it got down to
less than zero degrees Fahrenheit. It was ok because we could warm up
inside the station. I happened to work with a guy who had been around a
while. He had a reputation for stealing things from the station from
time to time. One day I worked about twelve
hours straight. The station manager, Mr. Shipman, claimed that the
register was short at the end of the day. I told him there was no way I
had taken it. The other guy said the same. Mr. Shipman said that the
other guy and I would have to split the loss. I ended up actually
loosing money that day, and told Mr. Shipman I would have to quit if he
made me pay. He wouldn’t budge, so I paid up and quit.
At Northern I was
introduced into the world of art in a new way (the photo to the right is
of the art building). On the one hand it was so
good for me. I was stirred to new levels of creativity. But I had been
very sheltered to so many things while in high school. The fine arts,
including art, music, drama, and dance usually involve an intense
sensuality at college and in the professional world that is hard to
avoid. Like skateboarding carries with it its own subculture, so do the
fine arts. The appreciation of beauty has given way to license for
sensuality and immorality as young people get caught up in the whole
“freedom of expression” spirit of the fine arts. God kept me safe, by
His sheer grace, from doing things that would harm me the rest of my
life. There were realms of wrong that caught hold of my heart for a
season that God also so graciously set me free from years later.
I met a guy named Jim
Meyer during my first year. He was an art student, and I found him so
very interesting, creative, adventurous, and full of dreams in the art
and music world. We were the odd couple but developed a good friendship. I was clean and neat, organized
in my ways and with a religious Methodist upbringing. He had a beard,
wore worn out clothes and seemed to have an air about him that said
“down with the establishment, art is the medium, music is the medium, I
am going to speak reality to this generation through these and the world
will listen.” I loved it. I loved talking to him about God, about
science, about art, about music. I loved
the art scene he and I were in. Jim in turn seemed to appreciate my
stability, my clear thinking, whatever moral strength I had. He also was
intrigued by my developing pursuit of God, though I myself wasn’t sure
who God was or if He was. In high school I had acquired the nickname
Pory somehow because of my last name. Jim picked up on it and I became
known as Pory by my friends. Some of my artwork bears that name.
Jim loved to play
guitar. He had a dream of becoming a famous guitar player. He had some
strange tastes in music that never really captured me, but that was no
problem in our friendship. We are all different! I
began to learn
guitar, and soon pursued it with a passion. We made a plan to sing
together after summer break. We used to jam for hours together. It was
great. I was consumed with art and music. I wanted to be a folk rock
singer. We loved listening to Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell, the Byrds, and
the Beatles. Jim was into Pink Floyd and David Bowie, too.
And then there was the
question of eternity. I realized during my early days at college that
the whole realm of sports was not nearly as important as I had thought.
I began to realize that the body grows old and looses its greatness and
beauty. So the hype about sports became a thing of the past, though
participating in sports and keeping physically fit remains important to
me. Jim certainly sparked more interest in me about spiritual things.
About the time I gave up
on frat parties I decided to visit the local Methodist Church. There was
something about it that was lifeless there and I decided I wanted no
part of it. Not long after I visited a Baptist Church. I had thought
that they were more into the Bible and would be the people to be with.
But I felt the same thing there. But my desire to find out about God
continued to grow.
Each student in the
dormitories had a roommate. Mine the first year was named John. He was a
brain, a geek, but we managed to get along. He was kind enough to show
me some things about developing photographs that I found very
interesting. I tried to include him in things that I did during those
days.
One day people were
joking about some guys who were talking of Jesus on campus. They did
some odd things during those days. Everyone laughed at them. But deep in
my heart I wanted to hear what they had to say, and so one day I invited
them up to my dorm room to talk about Jesus. I made a conscious decision
at that time to disregard the laughs and mocking that I began to get
from many including John about being associated with them. I was beyond
caring what shallow people thought. Though I had trouble defining it,
what I was looking for was the truth, or should I say, The Truth.
The “Jesus Freaks,” as
they were called, talked to me of the Four Spiritual Laws, a little
booklet written by Dr. Bill Bright. It made sense to me. It had a prayer
at the end of the booklet and I prayed it with the visitors. Though I
didn’t become a Christian at that point, I continued to be a serious
seeker after God. No doubt God was at work. Interestingly, I brought the
booklet home one weekend and gave it to my brother Jim. I found out
years later that he read it and points to that time as the time when he
gave his life to Jesus. Wonderful!
Summer came, and I went
on home to Arlington Heights to work. My brother Jim and I got jobs at a
factory in Elk Grove that made commercial incinerators of brick and
large tanks of fiberglass and resin. It was a dirty, hard job. The
workers were a collection of sad stories of men and women going nowhere.
Ah, the world is made up of so many who either have no opportunity or
hope of a better job or have no interest to achieve anything greater.
But we learned many things while being there. I also worked there at
Christmas time, and ended up working outside at a hospital helping a man
install one of the incinerators there. That was hard, both because the
man was a hard character and because it was outside work and freezing
cold!
That summer I set my
heart to improve at guitar and singing and get ready for a return to
Dekalb and coffeehouse appearances with Jim. How I worked! I practiced
guitar as often as I could, I memorized all kinds of songs, and I used
to drive my coworkers nuts singing or whistling during my job. It seems
that I have always pursued my goals 100%, no matter if they were good
and correct goals or unimportant or wrong. I often went to the woods or
parks and sat for hours practicing guitar. I visited Jim Meyer
once or twice. How interesting to see all the art he had done. He, too,
was pursuing his dreams of art and music.
My Second Year at
Northern – 1973 to 1974
Back at Northern in the
fall of 1973, I had a new roommate, a guy named Mike. We seemed to get
along alright, but I realized more and more that my desire to know the
meaning of life and my interest in art and music were not shared by
many, including him.
I also began to realize
that getting a major in sculpture was admirable but not very practical
in the real world, at least as I saw it. I eventually made a decision my
second year at Northern to become an art teacher. Looking back, it
wasn’t a bad idea, and helped me transition into the working world. I
still loved art and all that I was learning, both in and out of class. I
pursued it with a passion.
In the days when video
recording was brand-new, Jim found out that we could check out a video
recorder from the local television station in town. The recorder was a
heavy thing and required a large battery pack that had to be carried
with it. We went around town filming all kinds of stuff. I will never forget, though, seeing
myself for the first time on video. It affected me deeply to see myself
look so stupid and awkward on film. I suppose it was all part of God’s
plan to show me the reality about myself, about life, about Him. It was
a great blow to my pride!
Northern Illinois
University is not the most
traditional or architecturally interesting university. But it did have
some interesting things. One was a gargoyle set up in the center of a
courtyard on campus. Jim and I walked by it everyday on our way to the
art buildings. We gave it the nickname Jones. We even began to talk of
how cool it would be to knock off its head and steal it. What would the
papers say?! It is strange how the human mind works. I hate seeing
graffiti on walls, buildings, freeway signs and so on in Santa Ana or
anywhere. The whole idea of ruining the beauty of things and destroying
property is crazy. But, ah! I thought to do the same, and had no thought
of who would be offended or hurt, or of what I destroyed. Besides, we
thought it was a harmless joke. Well, I am glad we never actually followed through on our plans.
I worked at a pizza
place my second year at Northern making sandwiches in the evenings until
2 am. It was a normal job. We got to have free Coca-Cola and mozzarella
cheese, and that was the best part!
A huge blow to my dreams
that year was Jim’s decision during the summer to go solo rather than
sing together with me. I was devastated, but set my heart to go it
alone or, better said, alongside Jim. We both began to play at
coffeehouses and anywhere we could set something up. We earned a little
bit of money along the way, so I guess I can say I was a professional
singer for a time (!). I also began writing my own songs during those
days, some that others began to appreciate. I often took long walks in
the woods around Dekalb and walked for hours along the railroad tracks
outside town singing at the top of my lungs to train my voice. Jim had
an electric guitar, and so I picked one up along with a cheap amp for
$50. We sometimes played for hours into the night, oblivious to the
other guys in the dorm that we must have driven nuts. They were great
days, though woven with times of great depression for lack of a girl
friend.
I have never been one to
drink, and never liked the stuff. I got drunk twice in my life, both in
my second year at Northern. I found it a little fun, but generally
useless and actually not enjoyable, and I wondered what the big deal was
about it all. So I stopped drinking. For that matter, I was not one to
smoke, either. When I was a kid I tried one or two cigarettes, but
didn’t like smoking. I also smoked a few cigars while in college, but I found
the smoke annoying and the need to relight the cigars each time they
went out frustrating.
Donna was the first
woman I spent time with at college. She was pretty and fun. Then there
was Cindy, who had long blond hair and was very athletic. I first saw
her on a campus bus, and thought, oh, if only she could be my girl
friend. Strange that after we officially met I lost interest in her. She
liked me quite a lot. She and a few others followed Jim and I around for
a time to the coffeehouses we sang at. One of the songs I used to sing
was “If I Were a Carpenter”. One time when I sang the words, “If I were
a carpenter, and you were a lady, would you marry me anyway, would you
have my baby?” she yelled out “yes!” from the back. By the grace of God
I kept myself until my marriage to Kathy, though the opportunity and
desire to spoil that often came.
One day while walking
down the corridor into the cafeteria I was struck with a very lonely and
intense thought: what is the purpose of all of this? What is the purpose
of life? It was something deep down in my heart and soul and spirit. I
began a journal, partly at Jim’s leading, and the first thing I wrote in
it was the question, what is the meaning of life? I purposed in my heart
to discover the answer. I kept the journal for years, but eventually
threw it away. I didn’t begin a journal again until 1985, just a year
before Kathy, Christy, Kim and I moved to California. Everyone in the
world has those opportunities presented to them to think about God and
Jesus and the things of religion. God has made it that way, so that
everyone can have the opportunity to know Him and live with Him forever,
and so that if they choose not to, God will be perfectly just in turning
them away for ever. That day was a significant day for me.
Another one of those
significant days was when I met a girl named Helen O’Conner. She invited
me to a Bible study. I had never been to one, and didn’t know they
existed! So I went, partly to hear what the Bible was about, partly to
see Helen, who I was attracted to. The study was interesting, and it was
great to see Helen. But I soon realized that she wasn’t interested in me
personally. That was hard for me, but I continued to go to the Bible
study, and read the gospels for the first time as an adult. Earlier on
at college I had done a lot of reading in other religions and much
thinking about the whole thing. When I read of Jesus in the gospels I
was so moved by His simplicity, His courage, His sheer greatness, if not
as the only begotten Son of God, at least of His greatness as a man. But
deep down I knew He was and is reality, and must be followed.
There was a guy whose
name was Jeff who loved the Lord and was in charge of the Christian
coffeehouse in town. One day he told me very simply that the most
important thing in his life was his relationship with God. He cared more
about whether he was pleasing God and making Him happy than anything
else. That made a profound affect on my life. I knew I wasn’t pleasing
Him. I think the thing that moved me more than anything else to seek God
was the fear of going to hell. There are many reasons why people seek
God. That was the overriding reason in my life.
In my ignorance of many
things I felt that the closest people to God were Catholic priests. I
hitchhiked one day to a Catholic seminary in Joliet to talk with the
administration about going to school there to become a priest. Perhaps
the greatest advice I ever got was from the man I talked to there who
told me he didn’t think his school was what I needed. I would love to
have a video of that conversation!
Still searching, I
decided to leave everything behind midway through the school year and
hitchhike down to Arkansas to start a new life from nothing. Many
reasons went into making this decision. Life was hard for me. I worried
about many things. I didn’t have much money. I was lonely and depressed
often, even in the midst of friends. And there was the spark of the
adventurous renegade, the maverick in me. So I set out.
One guy that picked me
up was smoking marijuana. I wasn’t sure what to do, but I spoke to him
of how wrong and bad it was, and how unwise it was to drive while high!
It wasn’t long before I asked him to drop me off! I got into Springfield
late, and after several rides I was dropped off near the freeway. Being
late, I found my way to the bridge and lay down under it. It wasn’t bad,
and I think I got some sleep, but early in the morning it began raining,
and I woke up to the feel of cold water under me. I had been sleeping
in a gutter without knowing it! I decided that my feeble attempts at
being a rebel were enough, and I set my heart to go back and face the
worries and problems of life where I had been planted, at Northern
Illinois University. It was a fresh beginning for me.
Not long after this, I
made a very clear prayer one evening while I was alone. I consciously
asked the Lord to forgive me of my sins. For two weeks I was overjoyed
with the realization that I was forgiven. Something was new, and I knew
it. Looking back from what I know now, I see that I had only heard part
of the gospel, and it would take me three more years of trial and agony
to realize it. But for now I was thrilled, and began to tell many people
about what I had done, and about how great Jesus is. I began to wear a
cross I made out of old soft lead that I had found in the garage back
home. I didn’t
care what people thought, and was proud to wear it. I got involved with
Intervarsity Christian Fellowship where Helen and others I had met were
involved. Jim Meyer got involved as well. He had known some friends back
at his home town of Hickory Hills and introduced them to me: Mary
Johnson, Mary Andresak and Diane Bivirsha. We also met a European guy
during those days named George Szlemp. He seemed interested in Christian
things. The
friends in the photo to the left are Jim Meyer, Diane, Curtis, Mary,
Mike and Ted.
That summer I got a job
at the Howard Johnson’s Restaurant in Arlington Heights as a waiter. The
boss seemed to favor me, giving me $2 an hour plus tips instead of the
$1 an hour plus tips that the girls were earning. I didn’t have a clue
about being a waiter, but learned it through many mistakes! (like most
things I have learned!) I took the opportunity to speak of Jesus to many
people. The Howard Johnson’s that I worked at was on Northwest Highway
across from the Arlington Park Racetrack. It is a well-known race track.
Many jockeys, workers and gamblers from there came to eat at the
restaurant. Many of them were down-and-outers. I wrote my own tracts and
printed them out. It was a great exercise for me to put down on paper
what I believed were the important things for people to know about
Jesus. I talked to many, and I believe there were several who got saved
there.
My Third Year at
Northern – 1974 to 1975
My third year at Northern I applied for the position of resident
assistant at the dorms and got the job. The job was part policeman, part
helper, and part friend of the guys on the floor. Each floor had a
resident
assistant. I was on the 11th floor. It was a good job, one that made me
feel important. I was well accepted and well liked by all the guys. To
the left is a photo of the dorms we lived in.
It is strange to say
that during this year when I should have been an example to them all, I
tried marijuana for the first time in my life. I smoked it about five
times through the first few months of the school year. We went to Jim’s
room to smoke it. I guess he was a bad influence on me in this respect,
but I don’t blame him for it. I take all blame for my actions. It was a
scary but exciting thing for me. I realized quickly the bad effects of
it. One girl, a cute little red-headed girl who was the daughter of a
pastor, was in the room with about eight of us when some of us did it
for the first time. When we got high, she began saying over and over
again, “This is bad, this is bad” and others would say, “no, this is
good, this is good!” It hurt me inside to think that we were causing her
to do something bad. I don’t know what became of her, but I hope all is
well. I also remember one time while we were smoking marijuana that
there was a knock at the door. It was a girl named Lisa who was a young
Christian. In my heart I was so embarrassed to be found out. She never said
anything about it later, but didn’t need to. Not long afterward, I
decided to stop getting high, and have never touched the stuff since.
Marijuana and so many other drugs do not only do damage to the body and
mind but also to the spirit of a man. They open a person up to the
powers of darkness that only Jesus can rectify.
I met a girl during my
third year at Northern named Karen. She was a cute girl, quiet and nice
to be with. I had been introduced to her through a friend named Fred
Kohler who was in the art program. I don’t know if he influenced me for
Jesus, or if I influenced him for Jesus, but later after college he was
involved with our fellowship group for a while, along with his sister
Diane. They are dear ones. During those days I was learning many
spiritual principles about the Lord and the Christian life. One was that
you mustn’t be unequally yoked with unbelievers. This applies not only
to relationships between guy and girl, but to many others as well. I
talked often with Karen about the Lord, but she said she wasn’t ready to
follow Him. As time went on I knew I had to take the step of breaking
off the relationship. It was agony to do so, but I did one evening. I
called her and we talked a bunch of times afterward because it was so
hard for me to let go, but as time went on, the wound healed in my
heart.
My search for a Sunday
morning church to attend continued, and I was finally led to the
foursquare full gospel church in town. The pastor was a very godly and
well-respected man. It was there that I first heard of and saw
prophecies and the gift of tongues at work. Those gifts never put me off
to spiritual things. Instead they stirred my spirit to want more of God,
though I was confused for a time as to the nature and purpose of them.
That summer I got a job
at Hamilton Mint, a factory in Arlington Heights that made commemorative
coins from precious metals. I started drinking coffee for the first time
there. I still love a good cup of coffee, especially a good latte with a
friend! I met several interesting men there. One was a Baptist man who
often talked about how certain he was of heaven. It stirred my heart.
Another was a very intelligent man who had studied at several
universities and was well-read in many subjects. He had left his faith
in God, but was very interesting to talk to. It was a time in my life
where I continued to search for the truth, and was becoming stronger in
my beliefs and what I had to this point learned and become convinced of.
That summer I also went
to what we affectionately called the Saturday Night Fellowship. It was a
group of college kids that a friend named Mike Pautz knew and spent time
with during the summer. I met him in the art program at Northern. He
loved the Lord and had a winsome spirit. I went with him to the
Fellowship for the first time during the summer of 1975. There I met
Kathy Thiessen, who would four years later become Kathy Porowski! But
now we kid each other about how unattracted we were to each other then.
But there was another girl that I was attracted to at that time named
Elaine. She was of an adventurous spirit, fun to be with, attractive and
loved the Lord. I began to spend much time with her that summer. She was
the first real girlfriend I ever had. We had some great times together.
I stumbled along in our relationship, sometimes unsure of what to do
when problems came up.
My Fourth Year at
Northern – 1975 to 1976
My fourth
year of college I couldn’t be a resident assistant because I would be
away in the spring doing my student teaching. So Jim Meyer and I roomed
together for the first time. It was good. I got a job at a restaurant as
a busboy, so I had the privilege of bringing home leftover soup almost
every night I worked there, great for two hungry and poor college
students! To the right is a photo of Jim and another friend named Mike
at the edge of town.
In the fall
of 1975 I began to show symptoms of diabetes. I knew because my mom, my
two sisters and Jim my brother already had it. They all thought I had
escaped the disease, but not so. The diabetes symptoms showed while I
was facing spiritual questions regarding faith. When a young
Christian only hangs around with other young Christians, things can get
confusing and spiritually dangerous. I was in that situation. A bunch of
us were exposed to all kinds of teaching. One popular teacher and
speaker was Kenneth Hagen. He spoke of the “name it claim it” teaching
about faith. He had some good things to say but his slant on the faith
teaching was to the extreme and unscriptural. It was the kind of
teaching that particularly affects those who have a sensitive conscience
and want to please and obey God in everything. The teaching tends to
make a person feel guilty if they have some kind of infirmity or if they
don't act in faith and pray for the healing of others. I remember being in the
men’s locker room after gym class one day. There was another guy there
with a huge cast on his leg. I was in such distress because I wondered
if God wanted me to pray the prayer of faith for the guy and tell him to
take off his cast because he was healed. I didn’t do it.
But I began
to claim that I was healed of diabetes. I took all the right steps as outlined in
the book. I stood up the following Sunday at the church meeting and
proclaimed that I was healed. Deep in my heart I thought it was so
strange when everyone cheered and praised the Lord. What would you
expect a church to do if they heard that someone had been healed? But I
wondered about it all. I know God heals people today. I have seen it.
But this situation I was in was different. I wrote my brother and told
him God had healed me. I went through much turmoil that week. I got a
letter back from my brother telling me that he had believed for his own
healing and had quit taking his medication, until by the fourth day he
could hardly lift his arms to praise the Lord while in bed. He began his
medication again. When I got the letter I knew in my heart that
what I was trying to do was wrong, and I went to the health center at
the university to have tests done. They proved I had diabetes. At
Thanksgiving break I managed to get home to see the family doctor, who
prescribed the medication, and that day I began taking my medication and
haven’t stopped since.
Ah, what a
time! But looking back I know that God was talking to me. He spoke
things to my heart that convinced me that the doctrine of “name it claim
it” wasn’t of God. I know God heals people and does miracles. I have
seen miracles and I have also prayed for people and they have been
healed. God is alive today. But I know that there are reasons that at
times He doesn’t heal. God can heal, not when we presume He wants to,
but when He speaks the word and we believe Him. I thank God for men and women I have known though
my life since those days that have taught me so much about God and His
ways. And I thank God that He speaks to the human heart and spirit about
so many things, as He has done with me.
During the
fall I continued in Intervarsity and in the foursquare full gospel
church. I also kept up my relationship with Elaine, who was at Western
Illinois University. Because of all of my insecurities I found it so
very hard having a relationship with someone so far away. Things didn’t
really ever work out except when I was with her. We continued on,
visiting when we could, having lots of fun while together, and stumbling
through problems that would come up.
I was
getting tired of classes, and so it was good when January came around
and I could do some student teaching. I taught some weeks at Thomas Junior High School
in Arlington Heights where I had gone to school during my junior high
years. It was strange, but a good experience. Kathy Thiessen’s brother
Jamie went there and was in a class of mine. I had gotten to know Kathy and
Rick some, and it was interesting to walk home with Jamie at times since
he lived so close to my parents’ home in Arlington Heights.
I also
taught for some weeks at Arlington High School, where I had gone to high
school. They had a tremendous art program there. Gary Drake was my
supervising teacher. He was an excellent artist. He had won all kinds of
art awards as well as gymnast awards while a student at Arlington. I was
in awe of the whole situation much of the time I was there, but it was
still a good time.
Graduation
was in June. I made it with a bachelor’s degree in art education. Yeah!
The funny thing was that it didn’t mean a whole lot to me, since I had
been introduced to the reality of Jesus and was becoming increasingly
interested in spiritual things. But I received it happily, and set my
sights on moving on to a teaching job.
Into the Work World -
1976
During the
summer my times with Elaine continued. We took trips with her family up
to Wisconsin canoeing, and so on. Her family was great, and very happy
to know me and to have me date their daughter.
I also began
searching for a job. I bought a suit. I didn’t really know how to choose
a suit, and the one I bought looked a bit strange, but I wore it to
interviews. I went all over the area, including a place or two in
Indiana, trying to find a job. Though I felt I could do a good job, I
think that the people I interviewed thought differently. I believe they
could see I was not strong in certain ways and would not be able to
discipline the kids good enough. They saw things correctly, but
never really said as much to me. I think that was my problem with
Elaine. I was not really strong enough to be what a woman was looking
for, at least what one like Elaine was looking for who was quite a
strong and confident woman in her own right.
Not finding
a job that summer, I began to do substitute teaching, which never is
quite like real teaching. But it was a way to make money. I also got a
part time job at United Parcel Service loading trucks at night. Between
the two jobs I earned just about enough to get by financially. I also
made a little bit of money working with the junior high kids at the
United Methodist Church my mom attended.
Elaine and I continued to go to the Saturday Night
Fellowship gatherings. Some were good, some weren’t. Somehow in my heart
I was becoming increasingly hungry for more of God. I recall singing,
“With my whole heart, I have sought Thee…” at one meeting and thinking,
“God, have I been seeking you with my whole heart? How do I do that?”
The worship was often very victorious. But I realized one evening, as we
were in the midst of it, that it was not much different than cheering at
a football game, because I would go back home and feel depressed again.
I don’t blame the Fellowship for my depression, but I knew that others
had the same problem, and that I knew of no Christian on the face of the
earth, in my limited sphere of life, who was truely happy. The hunger in my
heart was growing.
At that time
other problems were arising in the fellowship group. The leaders, all so
young, were getting sucked into a movement called the Discipleship
Movement. It sounded so right, but brought a controlling spirit with it
that killed the life of God in a person. Kathy’s own brother Rick got involved in it
with many others, moving here and there until he ended up in San
Antonio, Texas, there to marry Kathy Turner and then leaving the
movement not long after. It wasn’t until some years
later that the national leaders of the movement repented of it all,
leaving many many Christians with ruined spirits and lives. Many have
not recovered to this day.
So we were
sensing to get out of the thing. But amazingly, along with friends in
the group
named Jon Porcher and Bob Berglund came a brother named Doug Abel. He
had been saved in England and had been involved with the Devonshire Road
Christian Fellowship until returning to America. The thing we noticed about him was that
he knew God. He was the first one we met that really knew God. Kathy and
Jon began meeting with Doug and Linda Cummins in Elk Grove. I went a few
times, and knew that they wanted God, but as I look back I realize that
I wasn’t desperate enough. I hung back.
I began
substitute teaching in art at Wheeling High School (in the photo at the
right) in October for a longer period of time. The regular teacher, Mrs.
Brandt I believe, had to take maternity leave and so the school was in
search of a teacher to replace her permanently. I finally got hired on
to fill her role after two weeks. I had my first teaching job!
But I
started out doing many things wrong and lost control of the classes. The
kids ate me up. It was a devastating time for me, trying to discipline,
especially with my disposition leaning towards being the nice guy with
them. Ah, what mistakes I made that first year! Life was getting more
and more difficult for me.
The final
nail in the coffin of my life was on Christmas day when Elaine and I
broke up. To this day I can’t totally say why, but at that time all I
knew was that things weren’t working out. I truly loved her, but didn’t
really know how to communicate the things of my heart, or how to show
strength when it was needed in our friendship. I will never forget the
evening when I dropped her off at her home after being at a Christmas
party. It was a beautiful snowy night, and she had a balloon in her
hand. As we said goodbye and she left, she let the balloon fly up and
away with a shocked and sad expression on her face.